I'll be 27 in January and at this age there are a few things that I guess are expected of you. You should have your career path in order, you should be looking to settle down, and getting ready to have kids. Now the kids thing is already taken care of (as you all should know) but if you're my age or older, you have been asked many times by many different people........when are you getting married? I guess it's not outrageous to think that people in their mid to late twenties (especially if you're in a relationship) might be contemplating taking "the big step", but my issue with this question is the time constraints that people have put on marriage. So I ask you all.....WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME? HOW LONG SHOULD YOU WAIT?
"In 18 months you should know if you want to spend the rest of your life with me!" Thats a quote from a friend during a conversation about when is the right time to get married. Some have said if you don't want to be married to your partner after 2 years of being together, then it's not meant to be. Where do these time frames come from? Is there a study that I don't know about? To me this way of thinking can lead you to lose someone that is great for you. The last I knew there have been people that loved each other for years on top of years and still weren't right for each other. Many times this way of thinking leads to an ultimatum when the time period approaches. "If I don't have a ring in 3 months its over!" or "We're not getting any younger and if you don't love me enough to spend the rest of your life with me I'm waisting my time!" What? Now don't get me wrong, if you have been with someone for 10 years and you're in your 30's and you want to be married and they don't then a tough decision must be made. But if we met in 2008 and we're in our mid twenties and you're giving ultimatums? Thats a little premature by my standards. So when is the right time?
If you are in a serious relationship there should have been many conversations about what you both feel about marriage. Expectations should be set and both parties should have an open mind and try to come to a common ground. Overall communication is key so that you are on the same page with your partner and there is no friction about when either of you feel is the right time for marriage. I also feel that instead of years how about we analyze our experiences in the relationship. You could be with somebody for 4 years and never have spent time away from home with that person. You may have never really had a chance to connect with their family. You may have never had any serious issues that tested the strength of your relationship. So just because you have been together for 4 years does that mean you should commit to being together forever? On the other hand you may be in a year long relationship and have had all of those experiences and then some. You have a better idea of who you're dealing with and what it may be like to marry your partner than the couple that has 4 years under their belt.
My point is every situation is different. Everyone grows at their own pace. We need to focus on being comfortable with and loving ourselves before we can do the same for another person. And when we are in that serious relationship, focus on the things that will help grow your bond. Time spent without connection is like spending no time at all. Let's all be logical and look at our own situations because that's all that matters when trying to figure out when is the right time to take the big step. So to all of you out there dreaming of marriage, don't be upset if your partner asks.........Will you wait for me?
Thanks for reading and I will now be posting weekly so please continue to show your support ans SPREAD THE WORD!
"The reason most people fail is because they give up what they want most for what they want at the moment"
This is an excellent article Sal!!! I say the same things all the time. It just never applies to me because I'm usually always single...lol. But that final quote hit the nail right on the spot. People always think for the "moment" and not what's best for their future. The same kinda applies to these young brothers selling drugs on the corner. Their only thinking for the moment, NOT their future. You can't get a pension or 401k from selling drugs, but yet you can't tell them anything because it's what's good for them NOW. But back to the subject, I just think it's the mentality of people these days. Everyone seems to just think about what makes them happy for the moment. But no one thinks long term. And another problem is that people are in love for all the wrong reasons these days. There are some just to get something out of the person, or because they satisfy them sexually, and etc. Those are not reasons to be in a relationship with someone, especially if your not really happy.
ReplyDeleteMan I'll be 28 tomorrow got a serious shortty & been thinking bout settling down. Been wit shortty 9 months but known her & of her for years. She is my better half & completes me. But I know I still have asshole tendencies, none that I have acted on but still feel they are there. None of which are worth acting on bc been there done that & it's not worth it. Everyones situation is different but at our age u gotta weigh the consequences of losing Ms Right for Ms Right Now. No ones ready to jump out of window bc they are scared of the fall. But u don't kno what ur scared of til ur freefalling. Sometimes u just gotta jump. When is up to You...
ReplyDeleteAt our age or older I’m sorry to say that many of us male/female take advantage of the whole "we haven't experience enough" in order to know if were meant for one another or not. I for one do not believe in 3 and 4 years of just being girlfriend... Do not waste my time and I will not waste yours. You know the right person when you have them; the dating should be about three months if indeed you guys made it pass the first three dates. I believe when you’re with a man/woman for a long period of time and you’re still contemplating... I am sorry to say, but I believe there’s some doubt or hesitation because there’s some qualities still being identify that you or her may not like... nonetheless you stay because of time and because the emotions involved! Your emotions are so tied together —that you subconsciously develop a need for not wanting to hurt each other, in which you just give in... And in other words "settle"! Why??? I’m not marrying someone who does everything for me already… ladies stop it, with the shacking up if they’re hungry … u can come to my crib and I’ll cook for you… if you want to see I’ll clean I am come surprisingly to my house and see if my house is clean and woman do the same all the other stuff is for the marriage that’s why we get bored so easily with one another and everything else! BECAUSE IT’S GOOD, it’s now on the regular! What’s next? There’s nothing else left but hope for spontaneous adventure and soul tides of emotion…. This again keeps you there.
ReplyDeleteThat final quote hit the nail on the head and is the "meat and potatoes" of the entire post! Modern day women are prone to sacrifice and maintaining the stability of their domestic make-up. I know that's a general statement but if anyone wants to dispute me, I can substantiate it with evidence relative even to the details of ethnicity. Things have changed! Our generation is focussed on economy and most of us are scared that they will never have a chance to obtain "The American Dream". No white picket fence??? No kids??? No furry dog??? No HUSBAND????! :-0 Women make up more than half of institutions of higher education. We've developed that "Independant woman"..."I don't need no man" mentality. However, let a 'good' man come along! *sigh Whoo! We're on it! The clock starts ticking! We're going in! I used to tell my significant other that I had an "expiration date"! Meaning, if I didn't have a ring in a specified amount of time, I was going to leave and our relationship would expire!!! lol! I can laugh about it now! BUT That was soooooo arrogant but as women, some of us build up a false sense of security. We think because we're a "good catch", once we're caught, he won't throw us back! ha! Men move at their own pace and a SMART man knows how to COMPROMISE instead of SACRIFICING his own personal goals. They're more strategic than we think. Men know whether you're a one nighter, a stable "booty call", girlfriend material, wifey material, or marital material. They determine how they're going to handle you almost immediately. There is no time frame. Us twenty somethings need to focus, plan, deliberate, meditate, and make sure we're ready to be half of an ETERNAL union. Be secure in yourself as an individual and know that there is a plan for you. Confidence is very attractive! "A watched pot never boils!" Take him off the clock and maybe the time will move faster. :-)
ReplyDeleteThis situation is all to familar to me, in fact reason I have yet to address it on my own blog (www.myregalthoughts.blogspot.com - shameless plug) is because my significant other reads. The fact of the matter is, these constraints that women put on marriage are ridiculous. Yes, we know you wanted to get married right after college, I wanted to have a 3some by my 21st birthday, we can't always get what we want. The worst thing you can do to your partner is deleiver and ultimatum or a time limit( As of today I have 6months and a few days to pop the question or she claims she is leaving.) While she may believe this is an effective tatic, in reality while I was considering taking the plunge I no longer am. I will not be forced into a marriage.
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